You do so much…why?
“Most of us in our society do not really know how to give. Most of us operate on a hidden barter system. Few genuinely ever give anything away without expecting something in return.”
— Susan Jeffers, Feel the Fear…and Do It Anyway
“Are you a giver or a taker?” the session leader asked.
Around the room, the answers came back, “Giver.” “Giver.” “Giver.”
Everyone at the leadership workshop was convinced that they were givers. Even those of us, like me, who weren’t sure we were givers, were certain we weren’t takers. So if those were the only choices, of course we were givers!
Then, one by one, the session leader stood behind each person’s chair and asked the rest of the group, “Giver or taker?”
When people who were convinced they were givers heard the verdict of the group — Taker! — they crumbled.
“I’m a giver! I am! I’m a nurse. I give till I’m exhausted, and then give some more!”
“I give! I gave so much of my money to friends that I had to move out of my old apartment into a cheaper one!”
Then the session leader asked the key question. The one that made everyone stop protesting and think.
“Do you give what other people need, or do you give what you feel like giving?”
We feel virtuous when we give
We like to give. It makes us feel good about ourselves.
Every street corner Santa ringing a bell at the holidays counts on our desire to feel good. So do the ceaseless requests for charity donations that flood our mailboxes.
When we’re little, we give freely. You only have to watch a pair of toddlers, fiercely contesting a toy. When one emerges victorious, and the other dissolves in tears, what happens? After a moment, the winning toddler announces, “This is my toy. But you can share it.” The other toddler stops crying, and there are smiles all around.
But over the years, something shifts. We give not to make the other person feel better, but to make ourselves feel better.
And if the other person does not follow our script, we get upset.
Ungrateful grandchildren or out of touch grandma?
My mother-in-law decided that she wanted to do something nice for her grandchildren. They were in their late teens / early twenties at the time. She decided that she would treat them all to a cruise during their school break.
It would give them a chance to spend time together. She would show them some of the wonders of the world. And, of course, they would dine together at meals, where she would preside over the table. Ideally, they would ask her to share her hard-won wisdom with them.
The plan started going wrong almost immediately. She chose a cruise line that she felt comfortable with — one that catered to retirees. She chose a destination steeped in culture, so the shore excursions were mainly tours.
The kids didn’t want to see the wonders of the world with grandma. They wanted to hang out at the pool, chilling out and having some down time. They’d just finished their final exams, and the last thing they wanted to do was learn more stuff!
They didn’t want to join grandma at the dinner table. An hour-long meal of heavy, gourmet foods was not their idea of fun. They either wanted a quick burger or hot dog by the pool, or a healthy salad.
Their mother imposed upon them to have at least some of their meals with grandma. But they were sullen and resentful, and left as soon as they were allowed to go.
My mother-in-law was furious. They were so ungrateful! Didn’t they realize she’d paid thousands of dollars for each of their tickets?
Meanwhile, the kids hated that they weren’t able to enjoy their school break. The college kids couldn’t spend any time with their high school friends over break. There were no activities geared toward their age range on the ship. And when they tried to sign up for the few active and interesting excursions, grandma pitched a fit.
What was supposed to be a wonderful experience to bring them all closer, drove them further apart.
And it could have turned out so much differently, if she’d only thought to ask what they would enjoy. Instead, she thought of what she’d like to give them.
A younger cruise line, with more active excursions and shipboard events? Grandma might have been uncomfortable with the noise, spring-break-style behavior, and rapid pace. But the kids would have loved it.
The martyrdom complex
Many people have developed giving people what they don’t want into an art form.
Step 1 is to go out of your way or otherwise inconvenience yourself to do something for someone. Ideally, something they neither asked for nor indicated in any way that they wanted.
Step 2 is to be shocked and surprised when they do not appreciate your efforts.
Step 3 is to describe at length how hard you worked, and how ungrateful they are. If you’re into drama, you describe these things to the person you did them for. If you’re into sympathy, you complain to your friends. If you’re passive-aggressive, you tell the person’s friends, and hope it gets back to them.
A perfect example of this is an acquaintance of mine who had been looking after a friend’s apartment. While the friend was away, the acquaintance “did something nice for her”. She deep cleaned and reorganized the kitchen. It took her the better part of 3 days.
But when the friend returned from her trip, she was not appreciative. In fact, she broke off the friendship and refused to speak to the other woman.
The acquaintance was asking everyone she knew, “Wouldn’t you like that?” She was honestly flabbergasted that most people thought she was in the wrong. Her friends tried explaining to her that it might seem like she was implying the woman was a slob. Or that she’d set the woman up for weeks if not months of not being able to find things in her kitchen.
Fortunately, the acquaintance had truly tried to give. When she realized how she’d gone wrong, she apologized, and offered to set the whole thing right.
The two women worked together to restore the kitchen, and were soon laughing about it. Now, whenever they housesit, they make a joke about leaving it messier than when they started.
How to be a giver
It’s simple to be a giver instead of a martyr. Find out what the other person wants. Then give them that, rather than what you’d prefer to give.
A perfect example of this was one of my mother’s friends in the final years of my mom’s life. The friend knew that my mother was unable to get out much, and had trouble reading recipes. So she’d bring over baked goods for mom.
But every time she did, she’d call first. “I’m making coffee cakes, and the recipe makes more than we can eat. Would you like one?”
My mom would push back, not wanting to be a burden, or to make it seem like she couldn’t cook. The friend had an answer for every concern. She loved to cook, and enjoyed baking. But she was on a diet and her husband was diabetic, so she couldn’t keep what she baked. Really, my mom would be doing her a favor by taking the cake so that her friend could keep baking.
Sometimes my mom didn’t want the cake — they had recently gotten a box of cookies as a gift, or were going away. In those instances, the friend asked about who sent the cookies, or where they were going. She gave my mom the gift of being an eager listener instead. And reassured my mom that she’d find someone else willing to take her cake off her hands.
Conclusion
We feel good when we give. But too often, we give what we want to give, rather than what the other person needs or wants. Instead of good feelings, this leads to negative feelings.
Martyrs make a big show of giving something that cost a lot of time, money, or effort. But it’s something the person they gave it to didn’t want. Then, the martyr creates a drama about how ungrateful the person is. The martyr is so unappreciated!
Being a giver instead of a martyr is easy. Find out what the other person wants or needs, first.
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